The A-V of ew: From your arse to your vagina and everything in between (see ‘p’ for more detail on that), it’s the alphabet of awks

QUICKIE There’s obviously nothing ‘ew’ about this (but it starts with a ‘q’ so we’re going with it), although it is pretty rubbish to hear that a quickie (let’s say, generously, a five-minute romp) would only burn around 18 calories. That is approximately 7% of a jam doughnut. Bummer. RIMMING Otherwise known as ‘anilingus’ (derived from Latin, meaning ‘to lick anus’) the draw for some might just be the freaky naughtiness of the mouth-to-butt action, but with a high concentration of nerve endings there, it can be a seriously stimulating experience. Or it could Freak.You.The.Fuck.Out.What.Are.You.Doing.GET.AWAY.FROM.THERE! Each to their own. SWEAT Peeling your sticky thighs off seats (the noise! The shame!), beading on the upper lip, a trickle forming between your boobs in the gym… sweat appears in the weirdest places. If you do have a tendency to get sticky in places your deodorant doesn’t reach, don’t panic. Our bodies are covered in sweat glands in varying concentrations, with our armpits actually being fairly low down the scale – the lack of ventilation causes the problem. The most densely populated areas include the soles of the feet and abdomen. Mmm, clammy. TONGUE FUR That chalky coating on your tongue? It’s a build-up of bacteria that’s been trapped between the surface nodules and colonised, like the stuff you grew on Petri dishes in school. Yummy. You can usually banish this bad-breath-causing coating with gentle brushing or lots of water, but if it persists (or is very thick or yellow) it could be oral thrush, so go see your doctor and say… ‘aahhhhh’. UTERINE PROLAPSE The NHS’s description of this is ‘the womb bulging or hanging down into the vagina’ (you might feel a heaviness in there, or see something bulging out), but advises that ‘If the prolapse is mild, you may not need medical treatment’. Sure. Don’t mind me while my vag just falls out of itself. Caused by a weakening of the pelvic floor (often a side effect of childbirth or weight gain), most cases can be put right with some vigorous Kegel exercises. (Hands up if you’re squeezing ‘down there’ right now? Thought so.) VAGINAL DISCHARGE Discharge isn’t just normal, it’s vital. Just like earwax (but in a VERY different hole), it keeps your precious bits clean, moist and infection free. Texture wise, it should be clear or whitish, watery or a bit stringy. Check in with your GP if there’s a fishy smell, cottage cheesy texture, or cappuccino-like frothiness. And huge apologies if we’ve just ruined your favourite baked-potato topping forever. OK, now we’re just milking it (sorry)

ANAL BLEACHING Where better to start than at the bottom? A relatively new phenomenon in grooming, anal skin bleaching has been made famous by Kourtney Kardashian admitting she’d bleached hers, and Maya Rudolph screaming “I love my new asshole!” in Bridesmaids. We’re… Continue Reading